Washington D.C., Autumn 2000
JudgeJ: Good morning, people, and congratulations. With your help we have made high tech an equal opportunity industry. And we taught those arrogant elitists a lesson.
Staff all: Congratulations, Judge.
JudgeJ: But our work is not done. The burden of the righteous is heavy, but the Nation needs our action. There are still situations out there that are dominated unfairly by the power people. Our quest is to right that wrong.
Staff all: Yea, Judge. Level that playing field!
JudgeJ: An appropriate metaphor, people, because our next challenge will be that most unfair of all activities, professional sports.
Staff all: Oh, the challenge!
JudgeJ: And the most blatant offender is, of course, Michael Jordan. We will initiate legislation that will restrict what he can do on the basketball court so that he has no advantage over the other players. Also, he shows no humility during the game, which is certainly a grievous fault.
Staff 1: Pardon me, Sir, but I believe that Michael Jordan is now retired and not playing.
JudgeJ: Oh, too bad. Now no one will remember him.
Well, we could still hold him accountable for his past actions, but the press might be sympathetic to a retired person. Someday I hope they will be sympathetic to me.
(Meeting adjourned till tomorrow morning.)
JudgeJ: Well, people, I have examined the professional sports field, and the main offender is someone called Tiger Woods. I'm quite sure that can't be his real name. Someone check it out.
Staff 2: It is his real name, Sir.
JudgeJ: Can't be. Someone else check it out.
Staff 3: Yes, Sir.
JudgeJ: Now I don't play golf myself. My responsibilities to the Nation would never permit such an indulgence. But I have read enough to see that Mr. Woods obviously has unfair advantages over the other players, and he blatantly uses those advantages in his drives and his puts.
Staff 1: That's putts, Sir.
JudgeJ: Nonsense. There is no such word. The player drives the ball from the starting position and then puts it into the golf hole. Though I must say that the book I read made the same mistake.
Staff: Yes, Sir.
JudgeJ: So, people, our challenge now is to define the regulatory constraints that will motivate and inspire more players to enter the field of professional golf. More players will bring innovative playing styles. The game will improve. More people will spend Sunday afternoon watching their TV. Serendipity will prevail.
Staff 3: Sir, can you define the regulations that would be applicable?
JudgeJ: Don't bother me with that kind of detail. The appropriate authorities will be assigned for that sort of thing. I would assume it will call for him to use different utensils for his drives and his puts.
Say, aren't you supposed to be investigating his proper name?
Staff 3: Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir.
JudgeJ: Now, people, go out there and gather all the sustaining evidence to correct this grave situation, which threatens to reward the overly advantaged and deny the less advantaged their equitable share of the revenue.
Incidentally, you will all be pleased to know that this very afternoon I am briefing our Highest Authority about our new crusade.
Staff 2: Where is the Judge this morning?
Staff 1: Oh, he presented his plan yesterday afternoon. The Man was so impressed that he promoted him to be district magistrate in Dung County, Montana. He even made Air Force 1 available for moving. So now the Judge and his entire household are settled in at their new home.
Staff 2: So what do we do now?
Staff 1: The word from the Man is to go after either the Wall Street investment gang or used car salesmen.
Staff 2: Whatever.